Wrote this a while back for the first Rank Stuff competition -
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/rankstuff/Author: Zhie
Title: Ni!
Rated: Ni!
Author: N-- er, Zhie
Crossover: LOTR/Star Wars/Monty Python
It was a dark and stormy night in Lothlorien as the Millennium Falcon dipped
down into the thick foliage of the forest, while on board Squadron Leader
Aragorn, head of the Jedi Order, continued to impress her royal highness,
Princess Arwen, whose adar parted for lands unknown with these last and
troubling words to Aragorn, King of the Britons - "Strider, I am your father";
Meanwhile, as the midday sun shone down through the red and orange leaves of
the swaying mallorn trees, Haldir and his troop of warrior Ewoks frolicked in
the snow, greeting one another with shouts of 'Ni!', 'Mae govannen!', and
'Ekky-ekky-ekky-ekky-z'Bang, zoom-Boing, z'nourrrwringmm!', and only could the
fair forest of Laurelindorinan be breached, debauched, and penetrated in a most
unusual and scandalous position if one were to bring forth a magic ring, a
lightsaber, four pretty young virgins, and a shrubbery.
I think it won something. Or lost. Anyhow... here's the rest of what I did for it... I know the Slash one won/lost something.. it's all so fuzzy... lol
Author: Zhie
Title: When Goats Fly
Category: Worst Slash
"But you don't understand," cried out the warrior, his golden hair
as saddened and desperate as he was in his attempt to woo and court
and flatter and compliment and sweet-talk and make with the nookie
with the lovely young advisor who sat now behind his large and
possibly over-compensatory desk staring with disbelief and
skepticism, "for I love you, and have loved you, and will continue
to love you, and have always loved you, and think you're really
swell; furthermore," he continued, as the councilor stared even
longer and more intensely at the captain who stood before him on the
other side of his desk, which any could plainly have seen was rather
long and very wide, still disbelieving and skeptical of the words
being said to him, "I think you intelligent, witty, fun, beautiful,
punctual, and besides which, you have nice penmanship as well; and
in conclusion," added the seneschal, looking quite proud and
dignified as he made a sweeping motion to his side, where the chief
of council did not look, for his gaze was still upon the intrusive
yet handsome hero of Gondolin, for despite the disbelievable and
skepticismic looks being bestowed upon the standing elf by the
sitting elf (sitting behind his aforementioned big, long, hard,
enormous wooden desk that was no doubt for show - or was it?), the
elf in his chair was rather happy at that moment to have the
humongously gigantic desk in front of him - in front of one
particular part of his anatomy to be more precise - for the
continued declarations of love and devotion from the elf who stood
were most exciting and enticing and tempting and tantalizing and
exhilarating and also something nice to fill in the time between his
ten o'clock meeting and morning tea, "as a proclamation of my
undying, everlasting, immortal love to you, I have brought to
present to you this magic goat, whom I have myself taught to fly."
Author: Zhie
Title: Tragedy in the Last Homely House, or, Walking in on Your
Husband the Breathing Ass When He's Found Someone Else to Screw
Other Than Yourself
"After careful consideration," said Celebrian in a very low and
unhappy voice she often used long ago when her sons or daughter
displeased her, "I have decided that you will tell the children and
any others who ask that I was ambushed by orcs while traveling to
Lothlorien and that they managed to kill the rest of the party
except that they captured me and tortured me cruelly," she related,
the volume of her voice rising as tears sprang to her eyes, "and
that I traveled to the havens for a year and then to Valinor to gain
peace from the no-good, vile, horrible, bloody memories," she
finished, having took up a pillow and slammed it down a few times to
the top of her husband's head, and then a few more for good measure,
before stomping away from the bed and out of the room, leaving
Elrond somewhat saddened, but only temporarily, as Celeborn cuddled
him at the right and Galadriel snuggled against him to his left, and
soon the sad and tragic parting of his wife to the Undying Lands was
nothing more than a briefly mentioned thing on the timeline in some
appendix of some book on some shelf somewhere as the magic flying
goat that Erestor had hidden in Elrond's room sighed and smoked a
cigarette.
Author: Zhie
Title: I Draw the Line at Kissing a Goat
Category: Worst Mary Sue
"Although I may appear to be merely a magic goat with the
extraordinary abilities to fly, play poker, and smoke cigarettes,"
admitted Tiffany, age sixteen and one-half, whose passion was to be
an orthopedic surgeon and ballet dancer, "it would take only one
kiss from a prince to break this spell placed upon me by Sauron, who
then disguised himself as an old beggar - difficult to do as a
disembodied eye - and sold me to a rather tall and handsome elf with
golden hair for twenty gold coins and three magic beans, and then I
could go with you and help you fight that terrible Balrog in Moria,
which I know is there because that's where Sauron kept me until he
sold me, but first I could really use that kiss," she rambled
desperately, but it was all in vain, for Legolas merely patted the
exceptionally long-lived magic goat on the head as he passed by her
on his way from the Council of Elrond, having only heard a low
bleating sound as he walked on.
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