FIC: Nuts to You (And Your Old Man, Too!)
Dec. 1st, 2009 08:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
zhieTitle: Nuts to You (And Your Old Man, Too!)
(thanks to Mark for the title!)
Summary: Squirrels are evil. A lesson Erestor learns from his son.
Characters: Orophin, Rumil, Elrond, Erestor, Haldir, Evil Squirrel (and Gladders kinda sneaks in)
Written for JFA December Writing Exercise
December Writing Exercise – bunniverse style
Still can be enjoyed without knowing my little AU, but fits right into it somewhere after ‘Consequences’ for those who devour my writings. No title for it, though... I’ll think of one after dinner. -Zhie
---
“Haldir is standing beneath a large tree with his hands on his hips, his expression one of great annoyance...”
Rumil chortled. “You say that as if there is some other expression he might have when he is standing somewhere with his hands on his hips.”
Orophin shrugged. “I just thought you might want to know what was going on.” Orophin looked out the window again, the curtain held back just enough for him to watch, but not enough for Haldir to notice he was watching. “Oh! Here comes Erestor. I wish I could be there to hear this conversation!”
“So go out there,” suggested Elrond, who was not particularly in need of the play-by-play updates that Orophin was providing.
“If I go out there, he will know I have been spying on him.” Orophin moved to the other side of the window to get a better view of what was going on.
Elrond lowered his book. “The two of you have been brothers how long?”
“All my life, and most of his.”
“Brothers naturally spy on each other. He probably knows right now that you are spying on him,” pointed out Elrond.
“Nuh-uh.” Orophin stood up and peeked over the top of the curtain. “I am an expert spy. Besides, not all brothers spy on each other. Rumil, for instance, never spies on Haldir and I, do you, Rumil?”
“Of course not,” said Rumil quickly, but the look and the grin he shared briefly with Elrond told otherwise.
---
“Oh, good, you came.” Haldir’s annoyance subsided slightly.
Erestor nodded. “Your mother told me it was very important.” Ever since the revelation became public that Erestor had sired Haldir, the librarian had made a point to include himself in Haldir’s life as much as possible, no matter how silly the event. And, judging from what Galadriel had told him between polite giggles and undeniable smirks, this was to rank among the sillier reasons Erestor rode down from his cottage to the First Homely House of Valinor. “Something about an evil squirrel.” Saying it himself nearly made him laugh. “She said it has become the bane of your existence.” Yes. Definitely full of silliness this evening. He sniffled and rubbed his nose, not because he was due to sneeze, but because it was the only way to keep from smiling.
Haldir adjusted his arms, crossing them over his chest. “It is targeting me. The little monster has excellent aim – keeps pitching nuts at my window at night. It waits until I finish yelling at it and get into bed before it throws the next one! I swear, it is a minion of Morgoth himself!”
“I see.” Erestor had long wondered if insanity ran on Haldir’s mother’s side, and the proof seemed to be evident knowing the history of Finwe’s line. “So what exactly do you want me to do?”
“You talk to animals.”
“Occasionally.”
“Great. Tell him to stop,” said Haldir, glaring up at the tree branches that swayed in the autumn wind. “And tell him he is an idiot! And, if you do not mind, I would appreciate it if you would hurry. The fact that Orophin is watching us is unnerving.”
“Orophin?” Erestor glanced around.
“Shhh! Do not look! In the window, in the parlor.” Haldir groaned when Erestor turned around. “Oh, great! Now he knows we know...” grumbled Haldir.
“Sorry.” Erestor sighed. Being a father was hard work. Being Haldir’s father seemed impossible sometimes. “So you want me to tell your squirrel to stop throwing things around?”
“And that he is an idiot.”
Taking a deep breath, Erestor looked up at the tree with folded hands and made some sort of chatterish noises and chirps. For a moment, it was silent, and Haldir wondered if Erestor was simply placating him. Then, there was an answer – a reply in the same chirpy-chitter and Erestor tilted his head to one side in order to better hear and translate.
“Well? What did he say?” demanded Haldir.
“Apparently, you snore. The squirrel – which happens to be a she, by the way – has not appreciated the noise, and keeps throwing things at the window in hopes you will turn over and stop snoring.”
“I am not the one snoring – tell her to peg someone else’s window!” Haldir snapped his fingers. “Elrond – he is the one snoring! It used to scare Rumil when he was younger. Whenever Elrond spent a holiday in Lothlorien, we had to be sure Rumil spent the night elsewhere. Elrond is a very loud snorer.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“All these years... well, during the Last Alliance, he and Ereinion shared a tent, right next to the one that Glorfindel and I were occupying. That bugger kept blaming that incessant snoring on Gil-Galad – and of course, no one was going to ask a king to stop snoring.” Erestor started to wonder what else had been blamed upon Ereinion through the years, but his thoughts were interrupted by chatter in the tree above him. “Well, I never! That was certainly rude and uncalled for!” he shouted upwards. A tiny little squirrel face peeked out of the branches, and both elves would later swear she waggled her little tongue at them.
“Now what?” Haldir had his hands on his hips again, same annoyed look as he had when Erestor had arrived.
“She just called you... well, some very unkind words for being too uneducated to know how to speak squirrel talk yourself. Apparently, she had been trying to tell you what was going on for weeks,” explained Erestor, who was rather cross and was trying to formulate his own insult back.
“A squirrel just called me stupid?”
Erestor frowned. “Not exactly...”
“Well, what, then?”
“Well, you know... squirrel talk... nothing ever translates very well, and—“
“What did she say?”
Instead of looking at his son, Erestor opted to stare at the ground. “She called you an owl pellet.”
“What?!”
“An owl pellet,” repeated Erestor. “It is a... a term for a bird dropping that—“
“I know what owl pellets are!” Haldir stooped down and grabbed a handful of acorns from the ground. “Let us see what she thinks about this!” He drew his arm back, acorn at the ready. Erestor gently but swiftly took hold of Haldir’s arm to keep him from launching an assault on a creature that was one-fiftieth his size.
“Let me try to reason with her,” suggested Erestor.
“Reason with her? She is a squirrel!”
“A squirrel you asked me to come and reason with in the first place,” Erestor reminded Haldir. Haldir nodded, and Erestor stepped closer to the tree. Again, he began to chatter at the upper branches, but in the midst of an explanation about how intelligent Haldir was, and how he himself did not appreciate such rude comments being made about his son, an acorn unexpectedly flew out of the tree and pegged Erestor right between the eyes. “Ow! You little—“
“I told you she had great aim.”
“She IS one of Morgoth’s minions!” declared Erestor as he shrugged out of his outer robe and started to climb the tree. “Tell your mother to boil some water – we are having squirrel soup tonight!”
“I thought you were a vegetarian,” said Haldir as he helped boost his father up into the tree.
“Never mind that, just hand me a big stick and – ow!” Erestor hugged the tree to keep from losing his balance as another acorn whipped across his ear. He narrowed his eyes, an annoyed expression crossing his face that gave no doubt to any passerby that the two elves glaring up at the tree were related. “This is war,” he growled as he began to climb again.
---
“This is just amazing entertainment! You cannot buy tickets to an event like this, not even in Valimar,” declared Orophin as he continued to watch the spectacle outside. “Whatever is in that tree certainly seems to be winning,” he announced to anyone who might listen as Erestor fell a short distance to the ground for the third time since he’d thrown his outer robe onto the ground in a huff.
“Do you think we should go out and—“
“No, no,” said Elrond, interrupting whatever aid Rumil might have been suggesting. “They have a lot of time to make up. Let them do whatever crazy sort of father-son bonding they came up with,” he suggested, certain that the silliness that Haldir exhibited from time to time was something that was passed along from Erestor’s side of the family.
(thanks to Mark for the title!)
Summary: Squirrels are evil. A lesson Erestor learns from his son.
Characters: Orophin, Rumil, Elrond, Erestor, Haldir, Evil Squirrel (and Gladders kinda sneaks in)
Written for JFA December Writing Exercise
December Writing Exercise – bunniverse style
Still can be enjoyed without knowing my little AU, but fits right into it somewhere after ‘Consequences’ for those who devour my writings. No title for it, though... I’ll think of one after dinner. -Zhie
---
“Haldir is standing beneath a large tree with his hands on his hips, his expression one of great annoyance...”
Rumil chortled. “You say that as if there is some other expression he might have when he is standing somewhere with his hands on his hips.”
Orophin shrugged. “I just thought you might want to know what was going on.” Orophin looked out the window again, the curtain held back just enough for him to watch, but not enough for Haldir to notice he was watching. “Oh! Here comes Erestor. I wish I could be there to hear this conversation!”
“So go out there,” suggested Elrond, who was not particularly in need of the play-by-play updates that Orophin was providing.
“If I go out there, he will know I have been spying on him.” Orophin moved to the other side of the window to get a better view of what was going on.
Elrond lowered his book. “The two of you have been brothers how long?”
“All my life, and most of his.”
“Brothers naturally spy on each other. He probably knows right now that you are spying on him,” pointed out Elrond.
“Nuh-uh.” Orophin stood up and peeked over the top of the curtain. “I am an expert spy. Besides, not all brothers spy on each other. Rumil, for instance, never spies on Haldir and I, do you, Rumil?”
“Of course not,” said Rumil quickly, but the look and the grin he shared briefly with Elrond told otherwise.
---
“Oh, good, you came.” Haldir’s annoyance subsided slightly.
Erestor nodded. “Your mother told me it was very important.” Ever since the revelation became public that Erestor had sired Haldir, the librarian had made a point to include himself in Haldir’s life as much as possible, no matter how silly the event. And, judging from what Galadriel had told him between polite giggles and undeniable smirks, this was to rank among the sillier reasons Erestor rode down from his cottage to the First Homely House of Valinor. “Something about an evil squirrel.” Saying it himself nearly made him laugh. “She said it has become the bane of your existence.” Yes. Definitely full of silliness this evening. He sniffled and rubbed his nose, not because he was due to sneeze, but because it was the only way to keep from smiling.
Haldir adjusted his arms, crossing them over his chest. “It is targeting me. The little monster has excellent aim – keeps pitching nuts at my window at night. It waits until I finish yelling at it and get into bed before it throws the next one! I swear, it is a minion of Morgoth himself!”
“I see.” Erestor had long wondered if insanity ran on Haldir’s mother’s side, and the proof seemed to be evident knowing the history of Finwe’s line. “So what exactly do you want me to do?”
“You talk to animals.”
“Occasionally.”
“Great. Tell him to stop,” said Haldir, glaring up at the tree branches that swayed in the autumn wind. “And tell him he is an idiot! And, if you do not mind, I would appreciate it if you would hurry. The fact that Orophin is watching us is unnerving.”
“Orophin?” Erestor glanced around.
“Shhh! Do not look! In the window, in the parlor.” Haldir groaned when Erestor turned around. “Oh, great! Now he knows we know...” grumbled Haldir.
“Sorry.” Erestor sighed. Being a father was hard work. Being Haldir’s father seemed impossible sometimes. “So you want me to tell your squirrel to stop throwing things around?”
“And that he is an idiot.”
Taking a deep breath, Erestor looked up at the tree with folded hands and made some sort of chatterish noises and chirps. For a moment, it was silent, and Haldir wondered if Erestor was simply placating him. Then, there was an answer – a reply in the same chirpy-chitter and Erestor tilted his head to one side in order to better hear and translate.
“Well? What did he say?” demanded Haldir.
“Apparently, you snore. The squirrel – which happens to be a she, by the way – has not appreciated the noise, and keeps throwing things at the window in hopes you will turn over and stop snoring.”
“I am not the one snoring – tell her to peg someone else’s window!” Haldir snapped his fingers. “Elrond – he is the one snoring! It used to scare Rumil when he was younger. Whenever Elrond spent a holiday in Lothlorien, we had to be sure Rumil spent the night elsewhere. Elrond is a very loud snorer.”
“Huh.”
“What?”
“All these years... well, during the Last Alliance, he and Ereinion shared a tent, right next to the one that Glorfindel and I were occupying. That bugger kept blaming that incessant snoring on Gil-Galad – and of course, no one was going to ask a king to stop snoring.” Erestor started to wonder what else had been blamed upon Ereinion through the years, but his thoughts were interrupted by chatter in the tree above him. “Well, I never! That was certainly rude and uncalled for!” he shouted upwards. A tiny little squirrel face peeked out of the branches, and both elves would later swear she waggled her little tongue at them.
“Now what?” Haldir had his hands on his hips again, same annoyed look as he had when Erestor had arrived.
“She just called you... well, some very unkind words for being too uneducated to know how to speak squirrel talk yourself. Apparently, she had been trying to tell you what was going on for weeks,” explained Erestor, who was rather cross and was trying to formulate his own insult back.
“A squirrel just called me stupid?”
Erestor frowned. “Not exactly...”
“Well, what, then?”
“Well, you know... squirrel talk... nothing ever translates very well, and—“
“What did she say?”
Instead of looking at his son, Erestor opted to stare at the ground. “She called you an owl pellet.”
“What?!”
“An owl pellet,” repeated Erestor. “It is a... a term for a bird dropping that—“
“I know what owl pellets are!” Haldir stooped down and grabbed a handful of acorns from the ground. “Let us see what she thinks about this!” He drew his arm back, acorn at the ready. Erestor gently but swiftly took hold of Haldir’s arm to keep him from launching an assault on a creature that was one-fiftieth his size.
“Let me try to reason with her,” suggested Erestor.
“Reason with her? She is a squirrel!”
“A squirrel you asked me to come and reason with in the first place,” Erestor reminded Haldir. Haldir nodded, and Erestor stepped closer to the tree. Again, he began to chatter at the upper branches, but in the midst of an explanation about how intelligent Haldir was, and how he himself did not appreciate such rude comments being made about his son, an acorn unexpectedly flew out of the tree and pegged Erestor right between the eyes. “Ow! You little—“
“I told you she had great aim.”
“She IS one of Morgoth’s minions!” declared Erestor as he shrugged out of his outer robe and started to climb the tree. “Tell your mother to boil some water – we are having squirrel soup tonight!”
“I thought you were a vegetarian,” said Haldir as he helped boost his father up into the tree.
“Never mind that, just hand me a big stick and – ow!” Erestor hugged the tree to keep from losing his balance as another acorn whipped across his ear. He narrowed his eyes, an annoyed expression crossing his face that gave no doubt to any passerby that the two elves glaring up at the tree were related. “This is war,” he growled as he began to climb again.
---
“This is just amazing entertainment! You cannot buy tickets to an event like this, not even in Valimar,” declared Orophin as he continued to watch the spectacle outside. “Whatever is in that tree certainly seems to be winning,” he announced to anyone who might listen as Erestor fell a short distance to the ground for the third time since he’d thrown his outer robe onto the ground in a huff.
“Do you think we should go out and—“
“No, no,” said Elrond, interrupting whatever aid Rumil might have been suggesting. “They have a lot of time to make up. Let them do whatever crazy sort of father-son bonding they came up with,” he suggested, certain that the silliness that Haldir exhibited from time to time was something that was passed along from Erestor’s side of the family.
